Publisher “Surprised” to Discover They Still Print Magazines

by  Felix Chartae  March 2, 2011

Eagle, CO:  A Rocky Mountain based magazine publisher announced today that they were surprised to discover they still published print magazines.

“We’re baffled as to how this could have happened,” said Peter Westleigh, President of Outside the Groove Media, an Eagle based publisher of three extreme sports magazines. “I thought we weren’t going to do all that stuff anymore. I thought I fired all those guys back in 2009!”

“This absolutely sucks,” opined Ed Markham, editor in chief of Rock! magazine, one of Outside the Groove’s publications that covers the sport of rock climbing. “Print sucks,” he declared. “I don’t want to be the editor of a print magazine. No one reads that crap anymore. I don’t want to share my work with middlemen. I can market it all myself!”

MagNet, a company that provides magazine publishers with single copy sales records estimated that Rock! magazine sold 600,000 copies in 2010 generating $2.9 million dollars in sales in the retailers who carried the publication. Sales of all three Outside the Groove Media titles were estimated at $4.85 million dollars.

The three publications have an estimated 300,000  renewing print subscribers.

While not a large publisher, by any measurement, industry veterans were quick to point out that Outside the Groove is important within their category.

“Yeah, well that just sucks,” replied Markham upon hearing the data.

“I’m really shocked,” said a shaken Westleigh, “Hey, didn’t I fire all you guys two years ago?”

Wendy Ashburnham, the Circulation Director of Outside the Groove Media, notes that she never received a memo or directive from Human Resources telling her she or anyone else on her team was fired. According to Ashburnham, “We’re still here. We’re still bringing in revenue and promoting the corporate brand like always.”

“Of course we’ve adapted to a lot of the new technology and that’s been a fun challenge. But,” she said, getting up to close the door to her office, “ We’re still here. For now. Although,” she said lowering her voice to a whisper, “I’m kind of wondering, why you had to go and point it out to him.”

Him, of course, was the President of the company.

“Well, this just changes everything,” said a visibly concerned Westleigh. “I don’t know how, but I’m going to have to go and think about this.”

When asked how a new corporate direction that recognized print as part of it’s revenue stream would impact him, Editor Markham replied, “It sucks. Print is dead. Get over it. Go to your local Borders. Oh wait, you can’t, can you. Hah! See? Print is freakin’ dead. Oh damnit! Flippin’ Wi-Fi is down! This tablet sucks!”

Outside the Groove Media announced late today that they were launching three new Book A Zines in the second half of 2011.

“I like revenue,” said Peter Westleigh, President.

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9 Replies to “Publisher “Surprised” to Discover They Still Print Magazines”

  1. Just so we’re clear on this, there is absolutely no correlation to any known magazine publishing company within the known North American continent and if any reader draws a connection between the article written by Felix Chartae and any known or unknown publishing professional alive or dead probably needs to step away from the mirror and put down their bottle of Old Smuggler.

    BTW, thanks for dropping in!

  2. I work for the magazine “Oh what tangled webs we weave”. I take great umbrage to the exact replication of our inner office meetings, Mr. Chartae. We are the new crew, the application-ists (sic), 21st century men and women who are on the cutting edge, Mr. Chartae! We don’t need the old model, the printed word. Change is good – abandon ship, I say! We’ll make profit some other way — when we figure out the kinks.
    By the way, I am concerned with my staff, and I believe we may still have some “print devotees” around here somewhere. What an awful waste of space. Out with the old, in with the new I say. “Who needs revenue, when you have great ideas!” That last line is actually the header on our new webpage!

  3. Actually Chartae was the lackey on that particular piece. I own this blog and he was damn lucky he had the opportunity to write for me. I paid him in gum. And not the good stuff.

    Sounds like your staff was on a Skype Call with Eagle, CO and that’s how it all got covered. Good luck clearing the chaff and dead wood out.

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